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This can take a bit of a leap of faith - if you feel like your partner is shutting you out, it can be difficult to go against your instinct to criticise or shut them out too and actually let them in further - but this can have a really productive effect. One thing that can be useful if you want someone to do something is to start by demonstrating this behaviour yourself. That can mean taking a step back from the situation and beginning again from square one. You may need to let go of any currently conceived notions you may hold around why your partner is failing to do this - ‘they’re just trying to annoy me’, ’they could do it if they just made the effort’, ‘they’re being spiteful and trying to score points’ - and proceed with the intention of doing things in a way that is most likely to work for both of you. When it comes to asking someone to open up and talk to you about their emotions, the most important things are to be try be patient, kind and to try to act genuinely in service of the relationship itself. If you’re not careful, the request to be ‘more open’ can begin to feel less like a call to discuss things as a team, and more like an attack. Although it can be hard to accept - or even notice - it is worth considered whether you’re also contributing towards what’s happening - if only by failing to understand why your partner might be struggling with what you’re asking for. Obviously, when it comes to resolving any tensions or discussing something that’s on your mind, being able to express yourself verbally is going to be really helpful for both you and your partner, but it’s worth bearing in mind that this comes more naturally to some people than others - and that there can be a risk of missing other forms of gratitude, affection or love if you’re not looking for them.Īnd remember - while it is frustrating to feel that your partner isn’t doing ‘their part’ when it comes to sharing their emotions - no relationship is defined by the actions of just one person. Some like writing things down - feeling a little less pressured by the more indirect opportunity for expression that this provides. Some people like performing ‘acts of service’ - doing favours, helping out with things and so on. Others might feel more comfortable giving gifts. For some people, this is much more about physical touch - affectionate gestures or physical proximity. How they do this is sometimes referred to as their ‘love language’. Some people find it easy express themselves through other means.

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There can also be a risk of mis-labelling a tendency to not express things with words as an inability to access emotions full stop.

This can occur to due more visible traumas like breakups or infidelity, or it can occur due to less visible ones, like repeatedly being belittled in a previous relationship. When something painful happens to us, one thing lots of people do is to try to shut themselves off from this pain - engaging less with their emotions in general as a way of avoiding the risk of it occurring again. On top of this, your partner may have had a difficult experience or experiences in their life that have made them guarded against expressing themselves. Their parents may have been quite closed off themselves, or may have demonstrated unhealthy ways of expressing them, like arguing or being passive aggressive. They may not have had role models who showed them how this might be achieved when they were younger.

Commonly, people who don’t find it easy to access or express themselves have not have grown up in an environment where being open with feelings was rewarded or encouraged. This can happen for a variety of reasons. It may be something they genuinely find very hard to do. People who aren’t able to do this aren’t necessarily doing it because they want to frustrate you or as a way of scoring points. However, being open with your emotions isn’t always so easy. If you aren’t able to be open and honest with your partner - or they aren’t able to be open and honest with you - it can meant things begin to build up and resentment begins to form. Being able to talk about your emotions - as we often say at Relate - is a really important part of maintaining a happy and healthy relationship. It’s understandable why you would want to get your partner to open up. Or, more likely, perhaps they’re simply telling you that everything is fine, changing the subject or deflecting attention in other ways. Perhaps they’re bluntly refusing to say what’s going on. Or you may feel like you can tell that there’s something on their mind - but that they’re not letting you know what it is. You may want to get them to open up because there’s something you feel you should talk about together. Feeling like your partner is guarded with their feelings can be really frustrating.

Similar express talk